Why should I take the time to bring my childhood sufferings to my conscious mind?
Today, The Lesbionic invites us to wonder about reparenting our inner child, as a strategy to find our true selves and to build meaningful relationships.
So many questions and we want answers… it’s time to take our power back! It’s time to end violence against children!
Tell us, The Lesbionic, were you ever a child?
A long time ago, I was indeed a child. Still today, as an adult I had to accept the presence of my inner child. Little Lesbionic resurfaces in moments of doubt and fear but also in moments of joy. In fact, she is always very emotional. As a queer child, I had the fear of rejection imprinted in my subconscious mind for being different. As a little girl in a patriarchal society, I saw a core wound slowly opening inside of me for never being good enough. These insecurities still weigh heavily on all the decisions I take in my adult life. What I found out is that the subconscious mind stores all of our memories since birth. To survive, our conscious mind suppresses most of the abuses we went through. Unfortunately, suppressed feelings stay in our bodies until we reach out for psychological help. In our societies, we live under a systemic repulsion to address mental health issues and childhood traumas. However, starting therapy is sometimes a matter of life or death.
Well, let me reassure you, dear patriarchy: NO! THE Lesbionic won’t comply. Does she even want to go through depression? I don’t think so. What she wants is to understand her emotions.
What happened to you in the past has no leverage on your present nor your future, you are an adult now, they said.
Sounds familiar?
Starting from our parents, to our schoolteachers, to our bosses, to our life partners… let them know that we will heal, no matter what.
What happened to you as a child?
The human condition happened to me… I was born as a baby, incapable of responding to any of my basic human needs for survival like food. This vulnerable condition created a vital attachment to my caregivers. To survive, I could only rely on the presence of my parents and on their willingness to meet my needs. I was fortunate to have parents with enough resources and I did not suffer from hunger. However, my caregivers were sometimes emotionally unavailable and that made me feel deeply unsafe. How can someone suffering from depression be able to make their child feel safe? Little Lesbionic had no choice but to develop an insecure attachment style.
Did you invent the term “attachment style”?
All human beings come into this world with a loving nature but are sometimes conditioned by their environment towards violence and hate. The attachment theory teaches us that around 50% of adults develop a secure attachment style in childhood. The other half of humanity is divided into categories of insecure attachment styles:
- Some can be categorized as “dismissive avoidants” because their caregivers were not able to answer their needs for love and connection. They suffered from a lack of affection, appreciation and closeness in childhood. As adults they walk next to you with a core wound of “something is wrong with me” and they believe that the only person they can trust on this planet is themselves. They tend to live on a permanent survival mode with no sign of empathy.
- Others develop an “anxious” attachment style. In this case, we observe the presence of at least one loving caregiver when available. However, the child starts to feel like their life is threatened when this person is unavailable (physically or emotionally). The anxious adult suffers from a lack of self-development and self-realization. Because separation from self was often used as a survival strategy in childhood. They tend to worry more about the needs of others, forgetting that they also have basic human needs.
Here you have it, Isabelle, the cruel proof that childhood traumas impact the individual for a lifetime. Moreover, the attachment style that you developed in childhood is later transferred to your romantic relationships. You should never underestimate the power of your subconscious mind.
What was the trigger for you to start reparenting Little Lesbionic?
It was after a painful heartbreak that I first found out about my insecure attachment style. While crying hopelessly on the floor for days. I realized that I was causing my own heartbreak by choosing a partner that was unable to meet any of my expectations. After days of self-reflection, I understood that I could not identify my own needs. How can someone else answer to my needs if I cannot recognize them myself? In childhood, I learned to be hyper-focused on my caregivers needs. As an adult, I am still actively reparenting Little Lesbionic to identify and meet her own needs. I am now able to communicate them to others.
Does my attachment style only affect my romantic relationships?
This self-exploration started because of a romantic failure. However, my newfound self-worth has a positive impact on all my relationships. I am now able to actively ask my partner to meet my needs understanding that I am willing to meet hers. At work, I demand respect from my coworkers, knowing that I will respect them in return. I have a better understanding of the personality of my friends. I work daily towards building long lasting relationships through permanent communication.
Rough revelation today… do you think it is possible for an insecure adult to achieve security?
Everything is possible if you focus for long enough on the matter. Therapy is a great tool to start the journey towards your secure self. It is necessary to reparent your inner child by reassessing all your painful subconscious believes. The first step is acknowledging that your childhood was not the perfect picture you remember in your conscious mind. Because your parents had to fight through their own traumas and did not have the possibility to teach you better. As an adult, you can help Little You to move on from trauma. I am the living proof that it is possible even if emotional pain is still hurting me sometimes. During my healing journey, I felt my hopeless inner child grieving inside of me.
Are you done with your healing journey?
Almost, but I am still working through my fear of being abandoned, repeating daily to Little Lesbionic that I will never abandon her. I had to accept that all of my greatest fears already happened to me in the past. Over and over again, I was able to survive unbearable emotional pain. Today I know that for every fall, I will rise stronger than ever if I allow myself time to heal.
The Lesbionic found NOT Fun Facts…
When you review childhood biographies of violent ruthless dictators, you discover extreme cases of child abuse. Nowadays, our societies still believe that children cannot completely feel “yet” and that the things done to them will not have consequences. Violence (physical or emotional) inflicted on a child is still hiding under the “education” umbrella. Only cases of sexual abuses or murders are publicly restrained. Most children don’t understand that something wrong is happening to them and therefore cannot ask for help.
“Disrespect is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one’s own despised and unwanted feelings, which could trigger memories of events in one’s repressed history. And the fountainhead of all contempt, all discrimination, is the more or less conscious, uncontrolled, and covert exercise of power over the child by the adult.”, Alice Miller, The drama of the gifted child, p. 74.
The Lesbionic Quote of the day…
“Reparenting our inner child takes time and courage, but the rewards are timeless.” (22/03/21)
The Lesbionic found Hope…
The first step towards healing is acknowledging your childhood sufferings. When you start understanding your emotions as the language of your subconscious, you will not feel the need to repress them anymore.
Ten baby steps towards reparenting your inner child:
- Speak kindly to yourself if you make a mistake. Being human means making mistakes, your mistake does not deserve a life sentence.
- Take the time to understand your emotions as messengers, not as enemies. Find out how much relief this strategy brings you.
- Understand that the key to successful relationships is permanent communication with your inner child and with others.
- Keep discovering the rainbow in your personality and show it to the world.
- Discover your own attachment style and review all your repressed memories empowered by this new information. Therapy was designed to help you.
- Choose your therapist wisely. You need an honest person who already went through her healing journey successfully. You must ask a lot of questions knowing that you are always free to leave.
- Confront your parents with their mistakes and find inner peace.
- Break the destructive cycle by respecting the feelings and needs of your own children.
- Show your daughter that she is not less because of her female attributes. Educate your son to respect all women, not only you.
- Fight against child abuse and show reason to people who try to disrespect children.
The Lesbionic Disclaimer…
Psychology is a complex science about the human mind where theories are developed by studying patterns of human behaviors. Therapy is highly recommended to start your individual healing journey.